My whole truth

Time to speak the truth...

To all the people whom I had to lie to during this time. I’m truly sorry. I hope you can understand as you read on why I did it.

Late last year a close friend of mine had a business opportunity that I was interested in investing in. We started spending a lot of time together and I began working in a management position at the company to get a real feel for day to day before investing.

During this time we strengthened our friendship and began to confide in each other. I was having a relationship struggle, he was too. He confided in me that he was miserable in a marriage he never wanted. He was down, he felt controlled and coerced, he had no say in life, she dictated everything they did. He admitted he never wanted to get married in life but he met her when he was still a teenager and settled down. He eventually let her talk him into marriage. These are all his words. He feels he was way to young and he didn’t even get to live first.

As I knew them both, I started paying attention to their dynamic, who wouldn’t when you’re being told this.

Sure enough I could see the controlling behaviour for myself. I watched as she belittled him in front of customers in his own business, mutual friends told me they had distanced themselves from him because of her, I was witness one time to him telling her he needs a bit of space to think and her response was ‘close the business today and we are going for the night’, it was not do you want to, it was we are going…. So much for space.

This is the point where I state that this is only his side of things. Hers will come later. There’s no winners in this.

When his requests for space were ignored repeatedly he began to get completely suffocated and overwhelmed.

Somewhere around this time, May the 4th if we want specific timescales here, my now practically best friend and I were enjoying a drink after working at the business. He confided that his needs have never been met, he felt everything had run its course but he felt trapped.

He came onto me. I was drunk and feeling a little lonely so unfortunately I didn’t say no.

I assumed it would be a one time drunken mistake and we could ignore it and carry on working together and maintaining a friendship.

However the next day at work, he kissed me. I was taken aback but I can’t deny there was chemistry there so I let him.

I am not proud of this, I strive everyday to be a good person and breaking girl code was never ever an intention. They say you can’t help who you fall for, it just accidentally happened.

I expressed when we had time to talk, that this would be a ‘with benefits’ thing for me at most. I don’t tend to catch feelings for men anyway. I wasn’t interested in any long term or commitment or ‘stealing anyone’s husband’, this would be a few fun fumbles and then that’s that.

Until I found out I was pregnant.

He never wanted children. I never wanted another. It wasn’t even a decision to make. It was a done deal. But I felt I should be honest and tell him anyway. Everything changed.

The no feelings fumbles quickly changed. He was there for me through hell and back. He held me while I cried, vomited, the pain of passing it.. he was so sensitive and caring and wonderful it’s a side I never knew existed.

One day I was suffering particularly badly and he turned up to comfort me. He held me in his arms and i realised I wanted to be right there in his arms and not let go. Shit. I had fallen in love.

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t dare.

I told him quite the opposite actually, I tried to end it. It was like gravity though. He kept coming back and I couldn’t fight it. One day he admitted he was in love with me. I told him I felt the same and what a mess this was. This was never supposed to happen.

We have so much in common, all the same interests, really similar people, on the same page in what we want in life etc.

He didn’t have this with his wife, it was more an opposites attract kind of story. He’s a pilot, she hates flying, he’s ambitious, she’s counting down the minutes to retire, he loves to ski, she tried it once and it’s not for her etc.

Plenty of people are happy in an opposites attract situation, fair enough, but we already know he wasn’t happy. He was miserable. He felt that her dislike for his hobbies prevented him from enjoying them. She always wanted his attention so he never felt he could go and enjoy them

It’s only June at this point. I’ve got no intention of setting out to steal him. I told him more than once that this had to end soon we can’t let this go any further. We are going to all end up hurt.

But you can’t help who you fall for. And we fell hard. We would spend 5/6 hours a day on the phone, we’d see each other at every possible opportunity. We’d hire a plane to fly to places people wouldn’t know us so we could date.

I’m not proud of any of this. This love felt more like an addiction.

In July their marriage was really on the rocks, she was struck off from her job, He was hiding at work and drinking too much because he just didn’t want to go home to her. He was obviously lying to her, He was gaslighting her. He was still cheating on her. He had fallen out of love with her and although he sort of cared for her, he didn’t respect her anymore.

One night a large group of our mutual friends were in his bar, we decided to head up to ponte for more drinks at the club when he closed his bar and he decided to join us.

While out having a good time he asked me if he could stay at my house. I said what are you going to say to her, you can’t just not go home.

He said he was going to tell her he needed space so he’s going to his mums. I saw him pull out his phone and open her name and text something.

What I didn’t know was he hadn’t told her anything of the sort. He’d basically said he’s not coming home tonight and turned his phone off. So he came back to mine and we had the most amazing night in each others arms. We’d never been able to wake up together before, not that we got much sleep obviously, but it just felt so good, so right.

The next motioning she went ballistic. She turned up at our work screaming. Why shouldn’t she. When I learned she had no idea where he’d been all night I was devastated for her. She had no idea if he’d gone off to end his life or anything! she was crippled with anxiety all night. I was so genuinely sorry, and it wasn’t even my decision. It was all his. He had lied to us both.

She and I had a chat that afternoon. She cried to me that she loved him. I felt like the worst person in the world. I’d accidentally fallen in love with my best friend and here was his wife suddenly finally realising what she had now she was on the brink of losing it.

He was saying he wanted to go to his mums for space. She was devastated.

I honestly thought that was the best thing he could have done. Get away from both of us and start making some decisions about what to do next because this can’t carry on. Everyone is getting hurt here. No one wins here but some damage control is needed. Whoever’s getting dumped needs to know sooner so they can start to heal. I told him I am open to the idea of building a real relationship if he chooses to leave. I told him I would support him if he chooses to leave both of us and spend some time alone.

I told him if he chose her I would be devastated at this point but I understand.

I told him not to worry about our company. We could make it work.

I have no idea how, but I was his friend first so I had to try.

One of the hardest parts of all of this for me was that I couldn’t talk to anyone. I had no support because I was trying to protect her. I didn’t want her to find out down the grapevine. It would have been humiliating for her. If she was ever to find out it needed to come from him directly and him only.

A week passed, he had remained at home begging her for some thinking space but it was falling on deaf ears. She was trying to fight for it but in the process she was accidentally smothering him and pushing him away further.

A week to the day from the night in Pontefract something within her snapped and she asked why he had still never apologised. He didn’t have an answer. She asked if he was even sorry. He said no. He wasn’t sorry for the anxiety and hurt he had put her through. He wasn’t sorry he had her crying at home distraught wondering if he’s alive while he spent the whole night making love to me in my bed.

She obviously lost it. She physically assaulted him and threw his clothes and belongings down the stairs. She demanded he leave and not return. So he did.

He called me, I had family staying over so he couldn’t come to mine. We got a hotel room and made love all night. He couldn’t stop saying he felt free for the first time in his adult life, he was relieved, ecstatic, like he’d escaped from a prison.

He went to stay at his mums for a week as I was now on holiday. I had literally left the hotel and gone straight to the airport. I spent my holiday on the phone to him all day everyday. He was the happiest he’d ever been because he was free. He very nearly hopped on a plane to join us. He eventually decided not to as it was payday weekend and likely to be a good money weekend in his bar. But we decided to take a holiday together shortly after I got back instead.

I got back and we agreed to see each other but take it steady. No commitment yet just exploring this change in dynamic. He was to stay between his mums and his friends with a couple sleepovers at mine on date night.

His friend went on holiday and left his house to him, he asked me to stay so I did. We spent the whole week in each others arms making love, going for dinner, just being together freely, it felt like a dream come true but I’d never actually dreamed of this.

When his friend returned he came to stay at mine, he went to his friends on Monday nights but he chose to spend the rest of his time at my place. Id ask him if he’s planning on staying at his mums tonight and he’d always say no and come back to mine.

This whirlwind romance got intense real fast when after only two months we ended up living together.

We had agreed he needed to find himself. We agreed to an openness to our budding relationship. I only asked one thing, that he never lie to me.

Of course he did. Repeatedly. He gaslighted me, lied to me… does it sound familiar. He was chasing any woman in a 10 mile radius. I’m not shallow but I couldn’t understand how he’d gone from her and me to chasing some of the women he was pursuing. He was shooting both way above his league and way below it. Way way below.

He was making me feel crazy with the lying and mind games.

After a while I snapped. I told him I can’t trust him. It’s all or nothing with me. He needs to commit or go. He can’t stay at my home and treat me like that.

It was a gamble but I was ready to walk if I needed to. I deserved better than this behaviour. I wasn’t going to be the next version of his soon to be ex wife.

He told me he’s sorry, he loves me and it’s all in for him. He wanted to commit. He saw a future with me and he’s sorry he had made so many mistakes while trying to find his feet in this new freedom. I accepted this and we started building a relationship from there.

We started making changes at my house to accommodate him properly, he spoke to my solicitor and started divorce proceedings.

We took that holiday together. We elected not to go abroad because of the businesses but instead we went to the most beautiful 5 star romantic lodge in pocklington, hot tub, beautiful views, double rainfall showers, superking four poster, stunning panoramic restaurant, you get the picture. We hired a boat in York for the day and cruise the river, we drank and ate nice food and explored the beautiful places. We went to the air museum, watched the gliders, We spent hours in the hot tub, making love, talking all night. It was heaven. I’ll share the pictures. You can see how happy we were. People we encountered assumed we were a long married couple we were just so in synch and so in love.

We came back and carried on. We couldn’t get enough of each other. Still on the phone all day everyday, making love 4/5/6 times a day, everyday.

As I already said. This love was an addiction.

Our business was running smoothly, his other business was not. The bar was struggling. I started working there to help him, (worth remembering I work a 45 hour day job, plus our joint business takes a lot of hours a week.. now this) We held events, we installed karaoke, I dusted off my old cocktail skills from my younger days and helped bring his menu to life. The bar came to life. Thursday and Sunday nights were no longer only hosting our employees, people were coming in, becoming regulars. The reputation of the bar was changing into somewhere you wanted to be. I started managing the music and instead of a strict 80s theme, it became adaptive. Whatever the customers wanted they got, and it was working they were staying longer, dancing about at 1am to cheesy crap from the 90s, living their best lives and putting money in his till.

I grafted my arse off and never asked for a wage because first and foremost he was my friend and anyone who knows me well knows I will do ANYTHING to help my friends, sometimes at the expense of my well-being.

I became perpetually exhausted. I never gave up. I ended up having a massive allergic reaction one day because while knowingly allergic to latex I blew up 200 latex balloons by mouth to create a balloon arch for a customer who had booked the bar for an event back when he was with her. She’d previously done them and we couldn’t let this customer down. I was so poorly from that. I did it anyway because it’s in my nature to help.

All this time we kept our relationship deeply secret. Hidden away. We had to travel to go for dinner, taking separate cars places etc we didn’t want to get seen. I did not want her to find out via a third party that he had moved on. It needed to come from him at the right time. Some people grew suspicious but we were careful to ensure no one could prove it to her. I didn’t want to make this worse for her like that.

This all took its toll and I was now helping in other ways, he was financially struggling and I was picking up the pieces. I was so in love and he was so important to me that I just wanted to help. It started as just covering dinner, it grew to buying the bar stock, paying for his car repairs and MOT, petrol, groceries shot up with an extra mouth to feed, he was giving her some money monthly to cover some bills and leaving himself with nothing so I was keeping him going.

It’s into the thousands. It was starting to get scary as hell.

Nevertheless we carried on, love was carrying us through. She started playing nasty in the divorce proceedings, trying to prevent him accessing the house and trying to ensure he couldn’t get his fair split of assets. I held him and told him it’s going to be okay. I supported him through hell and back.

I was starting to struggle with my own anxiety about the situation but I pushed it aside to be there for him and support him.

I knew we could get through this, we had each other. Nothing else mattered.

On Tuesday he went to her house to collect the last of his belongings. We had talked about making his moving in official, getting new wardrobes etc for more space.

She was there and she cried to him. Out of the blue she asked if he was with me. He said no. So she then said she wanted him back.

But for the last 3 months she’d been nasty as hell on social media, making a fool of them both, posting remarks about how she was better than him, onto better things, better off without him, it seemed like she’d moved on. She told the solicitor, it’s in the letter, that she felt there was no repairing the marriage.

So where the hell did this come from all of a sudden. The emotional toll of taking your final things out of the house you’ve lived in for 17 years in bin bags was too much. They cried together. He felt homesick. I asked him if he loved her. No. I asked if he wanted to go back. No. I don’t know. Part of him missed the routine and the home they’d built. But he was saying he was not in love with her and he didn’t want her. He just wanted his home back.

We agreed to give him some space to think. His head was fried. He loved me. He didn’t love her. So I couldn’t and still can’t understand what he needed to even think about.

He knew he left for the right reasons and that reason wasn’t me, it was because it was over. He had been so unhappy he’d done the worst and had a full fledged affair.

He felt overwhelmed by how much his life had changed this year. He’s never known different. He was a teenager and she was a divorced mum in her late 30s when they met. He’d never explored anything. It was all he ever knew.

So on Thursday she went to see him and I had told him that morning, it’s time up, he needs to tell her the gods honest truth that he was in a relationship with me and that he’d cheated. He needed to give her that last smidge of respect and be honest for once. He can’t let her develop hope he’s coming back and all will be rosey without telling her the truth. He doesn’t love her. He loves me. It’s been the case for a while.

To my surprise he found the strength to tell her. Everything. She had the gut feeling anyway but it was the first time she’d had it confirmed properly.

She left and went home to process it and asked him to talk to her after work.

He told me everything and said he’s going to talk to her and then he’s going to go to his mums for some thinking space.

He told me he loves me. He kissed me. He held me. He told me not to worry and he’d see me tomorrow. I trusted him.

I asked him to promise me he would call when he left hers. No matter how late, to update me. I deserved that much. He had been living with me for months, integrated into my life, my daughters life, my home. I never asked for anything in return. I supported him, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially. I gave him my whole heart and soul.

He didn’t call.

He knew I was anxious and having panic attacks. He knew I was waiting up for that call. I had work early the next morning but I couldn’t sleep until I knew we were okay.

By 3am I felt like I was going insane. I eventually fully broke.. I got in my car and drove to his mothers, praying the whole time his car would be on the driveway in knottingley. I thought surely he’s not silly enough to stay at his exes without taking some space and time to mull everything over.

I pulled up down the street and composed myself. My gut feeling wasn’t good. I pulled forward and sure enough. No car. The car I had paid to keep on the road for him when he had nothing, was nowhere to be seen.

I headed back towards Castleford. I needed fuel.

You know what comes next. I let insanity took over. I had to know. I drove to her house. Sure enough. Pulled all the way forward so it was hidden from the view of the street there was his car. It’s a culdesac so I’d had to get out and walk down the street to actually be able to see the car. I didn't want to wake everyone. Was it intentionally hidden? I suspect so. There's no way he could say he just left it there and walked to his mums, he wasn't at our business, he wasn't at his bar. The curtain twitched as i left. I knew one of them must have heard the car, or seen a shadow on the street on the ring doorbell probably.

I went back to my car. I couldn’t even cry anymore. I was just numb. How could he do this to me after everything we’ve been through, how could he do this to her when he no longer even loved her, after all he’d put her through. The way he cheated lied everything.

I came home numb and haven’t slept a wink since. I’ve spent two hours writing this carefully. I didn’t want to miss a detail. I simply messaged him to say I want him to come see me in the morning.

Clearly it’s over, he needs to come and tell me that to my face. We need to work out how to return me my money I’ve loaned him. We need to work out what to do with our company. How can I run it with him now with all the pain this is causing me. He can’t afford to buy me out either. It’s not like it was in June now. How can I even see his face without my heat breaking for what could have been.

How could she trust him to come and meet me to run a company together anyway, the woman he ran off with.

There’s no winners here. Everyone gets hurt. I honestly don’t know which one of the three of us has been the biggest fool.

Is it me for turning my life upside down for him and all the broken promises and what could have been.

Is it her for taking him back after everything he put her through.

Is it him for being convinced into going back when he hated everything about the way his life with her has panned out, when you truly love value and respect someone. You don’t cheat. You just don’t.

I have no idea what happens next. I have no idea how we move on from here. I’m the kind of person that wants to be able to wish them well if that’s what he chooses. I love him and I want him to be happy no matter which way this goes but at the same time I think he’s a fool for going back and she’s a fool for accepting him back. I think she’s scared to be alone and it’s not even really about him, just that she’d rather put up with being treated like that over being alone.

He’s scared of change even if it’s positive changes, much needed and in the right direction of the pursuit of happiness and fulfilment. He too is probably scared of being alone.

As for me I learned a valuable lesson or 5.

Always trust your gut. I tried to stop this at the start. I knew I should have been firmer.

Never change who you are or your life for someone else. If you’re supposed to work you’ll just work your way together. if it i meant to be it will happen.

Never give second chances. He cheated on me he hurt me and lied and gaslighted me. Exactly like he did to her. I gave him a second chance, third fourth and so on. I knew I never should have.

Once a cheater always a cheater.

And lastly always put yourself first. Always.

To Karen. I’m truly sorry for the hurt I caused you. I’m even sorry for the hurt he caused you. This was never a plan or a game. I never ever meant to have an affair or relationship with your husband. I fell in love and let it take over. I hope you find happiness somehow. I don’t think it’s going to be with him, I think you’re mad for letting him back after the way he treated you. You weren’t innocent. But no one deserves that. No one. But it’s your life and you gotta do what you gotta do.

Jason. Your inability to make a decision and stick to it caused this. You hurt all 3 of us plus some others. Some of your family, my daughter. And for what?

Are you happy? Was it worth it?

I know you’re not. I know it wasn’t.

All this pain all round and for what.

Karen and I aren’t innocent but we didn’t deserve this either.

And to myself. This is exactly why you stopped going near men for fuck sake Chloe. Time to try and heal and rebuild. I hope I can get the money back, that investment was for my security and my daughters future and look where it got us. I fear I may have to involve courts and solicitors. It’s the kind of money that doesn’t come around again. We are talking tens of thousands.

I feel terrible for the mistakes I made, I feel awful for lying to so many people, I was, in my mind, trying to protect them both, I didn’t want people to judge him for cheating or humiliate her by knowing what he did to her. I was still trying to be the best person I could be even when I knew I’d wronged her.

I have to learn to heal my shattered heart again now. I feel such a mug, a fool, I was taken for such a ride. I’ve been left wondering why I’m not worthy of being happy and loved and appreciated. This has caused so much damage to my heart mind and soul. I can only hope I can heal over time and find some peace again.

I hope all 3 of us can. This was never supposed to happen.