TO MY ABUSIVE EX

THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT

To Adam, the Father of our son,

I never could have imagined writing this letter to you, ever. If I thought about this a few years ago, I would have refused to believe it.

I guess that's what made me an easy target to manipulate and puncture.

You used my kindness as a weapon against me. From the moment we began writing when you went traveling for a year, to when you moved into my home with just an Xbox and a bin bag of clothes, and for 5 years after.

You saw my ability to forgive as a motive to keep terrorizing me. But now? Now I have no legal ties to you, as Brandon’s 18. You won't be able to get remotely close to seeing all the characteristics that make me a wonderful and decent human being.

I threw in the towel long ago, despite trying to do the right thing and co-parent with you for years, you made it impossible, but now our son’s an adult, I cut you loose (much later than I should have) but this is what I have to say now that I can think with a clear mind.

I went against everything I stood for, everything I believe in, just to try to justify your abuse. But not anymore. I’d love to thank you for what I’ve now become, and that’s an advocate for Domestic Abuse Awareness.

I have a few other thanks to give at this stage.

I’d like to Thank You for the best thing I’ve ever been. Because of you, I’m a mum, to the most wonderful, grounded, kindest human being in the world.

I’d also like to thank you for your apology some 10 years ago, when you claimed to have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

You actually didn’t apologise for your behaviour, but you did say that you had BPD and if I did a bit of research on it, it might explain why you treated me so badly, and I’d understand your behaviour towards me.

When I first met you, life seemed everything was gracefully falling into place. My wide-eyed and naive self only saw you as perfect. I didn’t believe your poor abused ex wife’s claims.

You convinced me you were the victim. You were always charming in every sense of the word. I mean, you could never hurt me because the affection you had was far too great, that’s what you said!

When you’d strangle me, or push me out of moving cars, or throw things at me, you’d claim that wasn’t abuse, because you didn’t actually punch me. You genuinely believe this too!

The difference between back then, and now is that today I know that it's not easy to identify an abuser. In 2022, I completed a Domestic Abuse awareness course, I know what an abuser looks like now, they could have used your photo. They are not like storybook villains. You can't hear scary music when they walk into the room. They don't dress in monstrous clothing or wear evil masks. Instead, they’re Prince Charming to everyone who doesn’t live behind that closed door. They buy you lovely, expensive gifts for the whole world to see how wonderful you are.

The world doesn’t know that these are apology gifts, because last night you smashed the house up, or the police were called because you were throwing things at walls.

I used to wonder why our relationship took a dark turn. Was it my fault?

It started when I was pregnant, Brandon was planned though?

It’s what we both wanted, so besides being desperately ill with Hyperemesis, what did I do wrong?

It was probably my fault. I had to apologize and beg for your forgiveness always. I had to lie, so family and friends didn’t know what the father of my son was really like. I also kept quiet, so I didn’t look an idiot for staying with an abusive and violent man.

I used to question my every move. Am I saying the right thing? What if he didn’t want chicken tonight, but beef instead?

I can't set you off again by cooking you the wrong thing, or who knows what damaging words and actions you'll throw at me this time.

I used to take a second look at who I am as a person. You don't like my morals so I have to change. You, making me uncomfortable is just a small price to pay for your unconditional love. My personality has to be different from who I really am just so I can boost your ego.

I used to cry myself to sleep with an extreme pain in my chest. Of course, your words stab me like knives but it's most likely what I deserve to hear. Maybe I'm just too prude or sensitive or weak.

I was called a baby if I cried. You said I was “playing the victim” and doing the “poor me act”. I should just wake up the next morning and pretend that the light in my eyes is still there. Pretend nothing happened- else I’m forcing Brandon to be in a split up family.

I’ll pretend I didn’t have to sleep on the sofa in my own home, after you put your hands around my throat, but because you bought me apology flowers, it’s ok now.

You often laid your hands on me, but always verbally abused me, you left me bruised with such pain. Always mentally, sometimes physically. What human does that? Especially to the mother of your child. The one you should protect at all costs.

This is why it had to end, I couldn’t allow Brandon to think that this behaviour was normal, the chain of anger and abusive behaviour, needed to end. I won’t allow Brandon to be like you.

You hate me, I know that, you’ve told me, everyone tells me. But why? I threw you out of my home, maybe that’s why? Other than that, the only reason I can think, is so you can brain wash everyone else to believing you, because you know me, and you know that one day I’ll tell my story.

I’ve kept quiet to protect Brandon, he’s an adult now. You chose to abuse me secretly and quietly, now I chose to heal loudly.

I remember always thinking to myself that your behaviour wasn't right. That putting me down is not an act of love. That being afraid to see you is not normal. Being so anxious when your work van pulled up. I knew in the back of my mind that you were no good for me.

I knew I didn’t want my son growing up, thinking that this is acceptable behaviour. That it’s ok to bully your partner, the mother of your precious son. But when everything in the universe was telling me to run as fast as I can, it only led me to fighting against it all. Try to make it work. Do the right thing. Keep trying. Change yourself to make it work. Family and friends constantly pointed out the obvious neglect so I put up a fight on your behalf. "But he loves me" I'd say. "It's my fault, things are going to change" I'd tell them. "He'll change. He never did. He still hasn’t, not with Charlotte, not with Daisy, not with Emma, not with Freya, not with Gail and not with Harriot.

I always thought it was impossible to let go of you, my son’s dad, I have to make it work; turns out, it was so easy. A weight was lifted from me, almost instantly. You convinced me for months on end that I couldn't live my life without you; turns out, I can and It’s so much better.

Promises of love and using material items like flowers, the morning after does not reverse the damage you caused the night before. The bribery you tried during and ever since our relationship ended, such as “If you don’t delete John (Smith) from Facebook, I’ll stop Brandon’s maintenance. I wish you had never paid a penny FOR BRANDON (not for me) because you’d never have that power over me. You used Brandon as a controlling weapon, and now you have no control.

I refrained from making this letter too personal, I could have given endless examples of your abuse, with me, and with all the previous mentioned women. However, my story will still be told, just not to you. You should also admit you don’t have BPD (as you CAN control who you bully, only your partners, and you can’t control that with BPD) but instead that you have NPD.

So finally, I let you go. I spent so much time clenching on in fear of upsetting someone else if I ended it. Moving on is the exact opposite of agony. Moving on is the only thing that made me feel better.

Because of you, I had so many trust issues when it came to relationships. That’s why I never settled. The first red flag (Or Adam trait as I called them) and I’d be gone.

When you stopped Brandon’s maintenance in February 2019, it made me feel happy. Made me feel alive again. I didn’t have any connection to you anymore.

So to you, my emotional, physical, and mental abuser, I hope one day you will grow up and become an honest enough person that doesn't tear people apart but soothes them instead. Genuinely, if you change your abusive ways, it would do yourself and Brandon a massive favour. I don’t think you’ll find that in this town, too many people know your story, including the police who visited me in June last year (11/06/2022) to tell me about Clare’s Law, bringing up your name.

We never need to speak again. Don’t talk to me at Brandon’s wedding, at the birth of his children. Don’t speak to me again, you’ve ruined too much of my precious life. Let’s be strangers, you’re just Brandon’s dad, nothing to me. Goodbye and genuinely, good luck

Stacey